46

Dear Me,

Forty-six.

Somehow that number feels both heavy and sacred.

You have carried so much. Responsibility. Expectations. Quiet fears. Silent prayers no one ever heard.

You have been strong for everyone. You have shown up even when you were tired. You have kept going even when you weren’t sure where “going” would lead.

And here you are. Still standing. Still loving. Still trying.

At 46, you don’t need to prove anything anymore.

You have learned that healing is not linear. That strength sometimes looks like crying in the shower and still showing up the next day. That growth often feels uncomfortable before it feels empowering.

Your body has changed. Your priorities have shifted. Your tolerance for chaos has lowered. Your need for peace has deepened.

And that is not weakness. That is wisdom.

You are learning to choose yourself without guilt. To care for your health without shame. To rest without explaining. To dream again without asking permission.

There is something beautiful about this age. You are no longer chasing who you think you should be. You are finally embracing who you are.

Forty-six is softer.

Forty-six is braver.

Forty-six is honest.

And the most powerful thing about you now? You’re still becoming.

Happy Birthday.

With compassion for who you were,

and excitement for who you’re becoming,

Me

The Senses of Childhood

Since I'm in this Q&A mood, I thought I'd do a bit more and who knows, maybe get to know myself again? Get to know myself better. Yeah, that's it. So let's start from the beginning.

Childhood.

It's wild how childhood doesn't come back in full scenes. A big chunk of mine actually escapes me. I don't know if it's just me. But some parts, yeah, some, sneak in. A smell. A snack. A random thought while doing adult things. Suddenly, I'm 7 again and emotionally attached to something ridiculous.

Ok, Q&A time.

What smell takes you back instantly?

Geranium. Or at least I think it's geranium. It's like this powdery, flowery scent that mostly reminds me of my grandmothers (oddly enough, yeah, from both sides). I guess most perfumes in the 80s had some kind of powdery flowery note to them? Maybe that's why. One whiff and I remember being on the floor or this long wooden bench (wow I still have that same very bench) playing house or salon owner or restauranteur with customers (both imaginary and not, those not being either of my grandmothers, whomever I was playing with at the time).

Forbidden snack?

Oooh. There was always something I shouldn't eat. lol I don't remember what they were exactly. SODA, that was one. Cannot, could not, must not drink it. I was only allowed if there was an occasion like someone's birthday or something.

TV shows you ran home for?

Jem, Rainbow Brite, The Care Bears, Cabbage Patch Kids, Thundercats, She-Ra...

Childhood fear that now makes you laugh?

Freddy Krueger pulling me through the bed mattress or down marshmallowy steps to my death. I saw the Elm Street movies waaaay too young. lol Come to think of it, I did kind of took those sleepless nights all through college (and even after) and had serious bouts with insomnia. Freddy might have played a big part in that subconsciously. 

Tell me, what tiny, irrational thing from your childhood lives rent-free in your brain?

4 Again

Ok, here we go. Again.

4 things you may not know about me. In NO particular order:

Four (paying) jobs I've had

1. customer service associate

2. cover song artist

3. magazine columnist

4. resource speaker

Four people who e-mail me regularly 

1. Kimi

2. Portia

3. myself (to remind myself to do something)

4. ---

Four of my favorite foods

1. korean bbq

2. sashimi (salmon, uni, shime saba)

3. steak

4. cheese

Four places I would rather be right now

1. Split

2. Bangkok

3. The beach

4. Staycationing at a hotel or airbnb

Four movies I could watch over and over

1. The Holiday

2. MCU and DC movies

3. The Closer You Get

4. The Matchmaker

Four places where I've lived (the longest)

1. Aberdeen

2. Greenland

3. Riverfront

4. Greenwoods

Four shows I watch (currently or reruns)

1. Any docuseries about murder, catfishing or scams

2. Goblin (aka The Guardian in some countries)

3. Suits (both US and Korean versions)

4. Friends

Four bands I've been associated with

1. Captain Planet meets The Eraserheads (highschool freshman year)

2. Blush (high school band)

3. Kabutehan & Friends (jammed with a few times)

4. Vodka Monkey (name we gave ourselves when my friends and I played RockBand)

Four words I say a lot

1. Okie

2. Awesome

3. omg

4. kamote (my cussword. Means sweet potato in English)

Four things I hate about living here

1. traffic (more so the stupid, inept people causing it)

2. the heat

3. political situation

4. there's always a line for everything everywhere

Four things I love about my country

1. the beaches (after all, there are more than 7,000 islands)

2. the malls

3. can have practically anything delivered same-day

4. affordable fashion

Four things I carry with me (virtually) everywhere

1. cellphone

2. hand sanitizer

3. essential oils

4. tissue

Four movies that I could intensely relate to

1. Elizabethtown 

2. If Only 

3. The People We Meet On Vacation

4. This Is 40 

Four books that changed me forever

1. She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)

2. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

3. I Want to Die But I Want To Eat Tteobokki (Baek Se-Hee)

4. The Bible and my devotionals/journals

Four best feelings in the world

1. being loved

2. being safe

3. being trusted, acknowledged, accepted

4. finishing something and being great at it

Four things I wish I was holding right now

1. white sand and a cold drink

2. travel documents and valid visas

3. the winning lottery ticket

4. the universal cure for all disease

Four things I love

1. music

2. essential oils

3. fiction

4. food

Four people I wish to meet

1. Jack Black

2. Ethan Hawke

3. Daniel

4. my future grandkids

Four things I wish to do before I die

1. travel more

2. affect & inspire more people

3. reach Royal Crown Diamond in Young Living

4. write a book

Four people I know who really make me laugh

1. Wan

2. Gsel

3. Mom's side of the family

4. Daniel

Four people I know who inspire me the most

1. Obie and my daughter (always)

2. the leaders I work with and my team

3. people who've overcome sickness and adversities

4. people who have less than I do, but still feel happy to be alive

New New Year

Gong Xi Fa Cai (Happy Lunar New Year)!

The past month was...gosh, I laugh now but it was just...I actually have no one word to describe it.

The first week my family and I fell ill to the virus. The husband first, then our daughter 2 days later, then me. I missed so much work (hated that part; I hate missing out on stuff) and had to miss a lot of meetings. Thank goodness for my team who stepped up and kept things running. Our puppy missed her vet appointment (because her furparetns were useless) so she has to go through a new round of shots now. Ugh. That's just the main things. Don't worry, I'll spare you the little ones, Void.

Now all that's over. Thank God. I'm still not at 100% health-wise but I'm just grateful to be alive. Grateful that my family is ok now. Soldiering on.

That makes Feb 1st the first official day of my new year. lol Day one. Today. Boom. Why not, right. Fresh start. Do it all over again. Keep on swimming. Great! Let's do this, Void.

What's New, 2022?

I've been thinking about what my word for 2022 will be. When I think of a word for the new year, it usually just comes to me. For this one, it took a while, but I think now I know.

Last year's was BREAKTHROUGH. I carried that with me all 365 days. Literally. Like I had a vision board on my phone that spelled it out. Did I actually break through? I'd like to think so. In quite a few ways. Not exactly how I imagined I would, but I did. 

Having survived yet another year during the pandemic was the biggest of them all. Not just for myself but for everyone who got sick and got better, had someone in their family get sick and recover, lost husbands/wives/children/parents/loved ones, got stuck at home and had to hit pause on life and is ready to press play again. 

Towards the end of the year there I thought it was getting better; people were completing their shots, herd immunity was finally catching up to the terrible virus. But alas, cases are going up again because some people are just so hard-headed and selfish. When is this going to end. We all want to thrive in the new normal, not just keep fighting for survival.

Then came my word for 2022. I thought about it right after walking the dog this morning. With barely 3 hours of sleep and probably still some alcohol left in my bloodstream. Miracle.

I've been singing this praise song Light of the World all this Christmas season and it was right there in front of me. The world waits for a miracle...that's the first line of the first and last stanza.  And lately, my daughter has been madly obsessed with the Encanto movie (she's been dressing up as the lead character - curly hair and outfit and glasses and all - the last, what, 4 or 5 days lol it was cute at first but I've been begging her to change since) and there was one song in particular that she sang to me and her dad yesterday called Waiting on a Miracle. I mean, yeah. After realizing that, it was pretty clear Miracle was so going to be my word for 2022.

I am waiting for a miracle. It's true. And that hope that flickers in me still? I feel it's the passion burning inside of me that refuses to die. And I won't let it. Because no matter how bleak or pointless some things seem to be, there's always a reason for them. There's always a season. And I'm holding on to that hope, that miracle.

Another year, eh, void? I hope this one really is better, brighter, kinder. Happy new year.

Sound Bites: Shallow

After dinner, we parked by the piano and played some music...

Sound bite >>> here.

Beauty in the Breakdown Too

Some days I’m a warrior. Some days I’m a broken mess. Most days I’m both. But everyday I’m here.

Standing. Fighting. Trying.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Drink up, baby, down
Mmm, are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you

Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, so let go, hmm, jump in
Oh, well, whatcha waiting for? It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, yeah let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here, it's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?

Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You've twenty seconds to comply

So let go, so let go and jump in
Oh, well, whatcha waiting for? It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, yeah, let go, just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here, it's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Love Song to Myself

I grew up waiting. In every sense of the word. One of the downsides of punctuality, I guess. I hate having people wait for me, why can't they do the same. Always wondered about that. Then, I grew older and realized if I kept waiting, maybe nothing, or no one, will come. Still, at 41, there's like this faint voice in my head that's telling me to wait. But time's a-ticking. I can't afford to anymore.

Wish I could sit down with my 14-year-old self, shake her up a bit, make her take down notes. Maybe I wouldn't be as chipped as I am now. I'd start with something like, Hey! Yes, you, listen here. Stop being a baby and grow a pair. You keep looking out that window, keep counting the cars and people that pass you by, waiting for someone to rescue you when you can rescue yourself. Do us both a favor and just stop.

And I'd play this song for her. For us.

Are your hands shaking?
Are your fists breaking?
Are you climbing over walls?
Are the times changing?
Is the noise fading?
'Cause I wanna get it all

I kinda feel like I, feel like I saw the light
You got me way up, a thousand miles
Can we stay right here in this atmosphere?
Or are you afraid to fall?

Don't look down
Up this high, we'll never hit the ground
Don't look down
See that sky, we're gonna reach it now
Do you feel the lightning inside of you?
Will you follow through if I fall for you?
Don't look down
Up this high, we'll never hit the ground

FOUR Score and Thirteen Years Ago

Wow, 13 years. I typed it in the title and it just hit me now how far long ago I did this...questionnaire. I lifted this off my old blog which I posted in 2008. Grandma, I know. lol Thought I'd do a do-over but keep the answers that still hold true. Text in red are updated answers. I could come back from time to time to change some answers, but for now...

4 things you may not know about me. In NO particular order:

Four (paying) jobs I've had

1. customer service associate

2. cover song artist

3. magazine columnist

4. educator (seems like teaching has been a common theme for me)

Four people who e-mail me regularly 

1. Tina

2. Hatch

3. my daughter

4. Chris

Four of my favorite foods

1. fajitas

2. pizza

3. cheese

4. grilled [put meat, fish or vegetable here]

Four places I would rather be right now

1. Maryland with my family

2. Montreal

3. Ireland

4. a U2 concert, or the beach -- this is a close tie (still so true)

Four movies I could watch over and over

1. Clueless

2. He's Just Not That Into You

3. The Holiday

4. The Greatest Showman

Four places where I've lived 

1. Aberdeen

2. Greenland

3. Riverfront

4. Greenwoods

Four TV shows I watch religiously (reruns and downloads included)

1. Friends

2. Felicity

3. Sex and the City

4. Doctor Who

Four bands I've been associated with

1. Captain Planet meets The Eraserheads (highschool freshman year)

2. Blush (high school band)

3. Kabutehan & Friends (jammed with a few times)

4. Vodka Monkey (name we gave ourselves when my friends and I played RockBand)

Four words I say a lot

1. hey

2. awesome

3. surely

4. omg

Four things I hate about living here

1. traffic

2. the heat

3. red tape/political situation

4. there's always a line for everything everywhere

Four things I love about my country

1. low cost of living

2. generally friendly and hospitable

3. the apotheosis of family, spirituality, and tradition

4. the beaches (after all, there are more than 7,000 islands)

Four things I carry with me (virtually) everywhere

1. cellphone

2. hand sanitizer

3. essential oils

4. some cash

Four movies that I could intensely relate to

1. Elizabethtown (Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst)

2. If Only (Jennifer Love Hewitt, Paul Nicholls, Tom Wilkinson)

3. The Truth About Cats and Dogs (Janeane Garofalo, Uma Thurman, Ben Chaplin)

4. This Is 40 (Leslie Mann, Paul Rudd)

Four books that changed me forever

1. She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)

2. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

3. Essential Oils Desk Reference

4. The Bible and my devotionals/journals

Four best feelings in the world

1. being loved

2. being safe

3. being trusted, acknowledged, accepted

4. finishing something and being great at it

Four things I wish I was holding right now

1. white sand and a cold drink

2. travel documents and valid visas

3. the winning lottery ticket

4. the universal cure for cancer, aids, and c0v!d

Four things I love

1. music

2. essential oils

3. fiction

4. food

Four people I wish to meet

1. Mary Young

2. Ethan Hawke (would still very much to pick that brain)

3. Daniel (edited the name, but always meant him)

4. my future grandkids

Four things I wish to do before I die

1. travel more

2. write more songs

3. affect & inspire more people

4. make peace with everyone

Four people I know who really make me laugh

1. Tricia

2. Tuesday

3. Mom's side of the family (paraphrased)

4. Daniel

Four people I know who inspire me the most

1. Obie and my daughter (always)

2. the leaders I work with and my team

3. people who've overcome sickness and adversities

4. people who have less than I do, but still feel happy to be alive